back home

i went back to my old house to visit my dad this morning...
some nostalgic moments. i didn't venture up to my bedroom though. just picturing the emptiness of my bedroom would have been more than overwhelming.
back in 2000, the same empty bedroom would have evoked a completely different emotion. then, i would have been beaming with excitement thinking of every possible ways to fit the furniture in my room.
"would the bed go here? table over there? should i lay out all my 7 dwarfs on that shelf?"
it was a new chapter. a new house, a new school, new neighborhood.

and now fast forward 8 years later. the same empty bedroom is just disappointments and failed hopes.

i talked to my dad over brunch. and slowly i think i'm coming to accept him for who he is. truly, i want him happy and though his decisions may have hurt my mom a lot but I'm happy to know he is happy.
and where ever he may choose to reside, be in China or Singapore... I just want what's best for him.

as for my mom. I'm just not strong enough to handle her emotional breakdowns. i wished she could see things in a less conservative light and spare me some marriage details that are excruciatingly embarrassing to listen to.
i just cant bring myself to think in her 'old fashioned shoes' and more often than not, i brush them aside in a least concerned manner.
and why is that i feel more resentment towards the 'victim' of this whole unfortunate circumstance?
i resent the way i see vulnerability. the way i see hopelessness and fragility.
sometimes i want to scream "Move on!" i want to inject some sort of hope into the bleak darkness and wished M had more strength.

i wished she could be more like me.