back home

i went back to my old house to visit my dad this morning...
some nostalgic moments. i didn't venture up to my bedroom though. just picturing the emptiness of my bedroom would have been more than overwhelming.
back in 2000, the same empty bedroom would have evoked a completely different emotion. then, i would have been beaming with excitement thinking of every possible ways to fit the furniture in my room.
"would the bed go here? table over there? should i lay out all my 7 dwarfs on that shelf?"
it was a new chapter. a new house, a new school, new neighborhood.

and now fast forward 8 years later. the same empty bedroom is just disappointments and failed hopes.

i talked to my dad over brunch. and slowly i think i'm coming to accept him for who he is. truly, i want him happy and though his decisions may have hurt my mom a lot but I'm happy to know he is happy.
and where ever he may choose to reside, be in China or Singapore... I just want what's best for him.

as for my mom. I'm just not strong enough to handle her emotional breakdowns. i wished she could see things in a less conservative light and spare me some marriage details that are excruciatingly embarrassing to listen to.
i just cant bring myself to think in her 'old fashioned shoes' and more often than not, i brush them aside in a least concerned manner.
and why is that i feel more resentment towards the 'victim' of this whole unfortunate circumstance?
i resent the way i see vulnerability. the way i see hopelessness and fragility.
sometimes i want to scream "Move on!" i want to inject some sort of hope into the bleak darkness and wished M had more strength.

i wished she could be more like me.

alphabet friends

Name the people you know from A-Z.

A –annie
B –brandon
C –claudio
D –Denise
E –ezzah and Ena
F - fiona
G -geraldine
H -hafiz
I- illene
J -jenny
K –kian hean
L –lydia
M –mervin
N - natalie
O - ong?
P -pius
Q - quanda
R -razaini
S -sam
T -tom
U – .......
V -vivien
W -weihao
X -xinyi
Y -yong tat
Z -zaoyi


What does A sms you about?
she used to msg me " eh i will be late for church"

How many siblings does B have?
haha. i dont know but i gotta peel my eyes off his gf.

What's C's nickname?
chock! :)

How did you get to know D?
D is my sec 3,4 classmate. Class chairperson.

How despo is E?
1 is rather despo. the other not. wahahhahhas.

How much younger/older is F than you?
Same age.

Name one of G's best friends.
Me! Denise! Cheryl Hoy! Tricia Tan! Ailin and plus the rest of the NUS law faculty. G is really friendly.

Does H know I?
yeah prolly. smu is how tiny. i give it 3 years more, and i am SURe they will know each other.

What happen if J becomes your enemy?
then im screwed/ going to hell/ persecuted by church. wahahhas. J is my cell leader so there is NO chance she will be my enemy.

Under what conditions will K and L marry?
wahahahhas. K will the happiest man alive. but under the conditions that L is not the L i know.

How many people do you know with M's initial?
hmm.. wad is M's surname? hmmmm... *deep thought.


Do you enjoy talking on the phone with N?
eh i dont know. but i will definitely chalk up HIGH phone bills. "hI Natg, how's US?"

Do you think O knows P?
prolly. P was in Njc in first 3 mths...

How geeky is Q?
hahah not really.

Is R very popular?
hahahs. prolly. very popular with my bf.

What would happen if S likes you?
we will go kayaking/ trekking/ biking all the time. whahahas.

Is T a very random person?
yes. he randomly msg me on msn...


How U and V related?
skipskipskip.

Do you take W as anything else other than a friend?
Hahahaha yeah!. he was one of my ex.

Are X, Y, Z enemies?
prolly. Y loves me, z liked me, and i hate x.

From A to Z, who do you like most?
Y......OU!

Jehovah

so my birthday came and passed.
exactly a week now and i must say I'm truly blessed in the presence of God's angels.

my Cell group celebrated my birthday and what a joyful occasion cause now my cell has 5 addition members : Jonathan, Grace, Zac, Mike and Joshua! :) Praise the Lord!
that's like 100% increase in cell members. haha and i rem how when we started off this year with only like 6 members, after our old cell (Web) multiplied into 2 smaller cell groups (Imitators and Bridge)
back that, i must say it was a test of faith. it sure wasn't comfortable splitting up a group of close knitted friends but we saw that there was a need to expand our tents to make "room" for new members. and Ahem to that, for now i see the harvest!
hahas, well i know there is no pressure on these new members to join us for they can still hop around other cell groups and see which suit them best but i know it sure is hard to resist all the yummy refreshments that Aunty Heidi provides every week!

i really thank God for all 5 of them :) Thank God for their joyful cheerful spirit, for their maturity. Word time is very enriching with everyone's inputs. our cell has also become much noisier now! it's so exciting to be part of this growth process!

so timely also, i shared Word (for the first time) and was put in charge of Worship for cell.
Throughout the entire week of preparing for Word, God revealed alot to me through His word. and im glad i had this opportunity to quieten myself and dive deep into the scriptures.

so back to the birthday celebration at cell.
Chester got a lemon cake, Jenny's mom made snacks, Minli took half day leave to make pasta for the cell, Emily handmade a GREEN card to contain everyone's well wishes and signatures...Jenny got me a present on behalf of the cell :)

and when i thought all this lovely surprises were more than sufficient for me to feel utterly blessed, my lovely bf drove us to ECP and surprised me with a bouquet of roses and a cookie cake :) so we sat by the beach, with the cool sea breeze in our hair and he sung me my birthday song!

and of course.. the goodness continued all the way till the midnight of may 11. :)

so today at cell it was as usual a great awesome time!
hmmm. and in some aspects, I know very clearly how God would want me to change/ surrender that part of my life to Him. Some decisions that I am about to make may disappoint or upset people around me, but I need to focus on how it will please my heavenly Father.

and Leon brought out a very interesting analogy...
like often we hear of people crying out " O God, let me be on fire for you".
but how is the fire suppose to burn when there is no fuel, no sacrifice?
In 1 Kings 18, Prophet Elijah used the ox as a sacrifice on the altar that awaits the Lord's consuming fire. Elijah had a sacrifice; the ox. and i need to identify mine so i can be on fire for God...

so Lord,
Come live in me
All my life take over
Come breathe in me
And I will rise
On eagles' wings



no one comes First but You

ooooh! im super excited for tomorrow's kayaking expedition! round trip from pasir ris to punggol beach! gonna be so much fun!
also, i Thank God for all the job opportunities! :) He's the provider! AHEM!

you spin me round round round

yesterday @Zouk was a wild wild night. it was suppose to be a pre birthday celebration kind of thing for me. and hell, if that celebration was suppose to make me feel more mature/ older/ twentish, it sure didnt. instead i felt that I'm at the prime of my life. so i woke up this morning feeling satisfied and contented. emmm. ---> contented sound.

went there with different groups of friends and still everyone gel together well. ( i think) haha. as usual was having too much fun with denise @phuture to notice whether anyone was feeling uncomfortable.
it's always so fun with denise around. i seriously get more of a kick dancing with her than any random male "vultures".

one point, we were throwing ice cubes down hafiz's, guna's, yong tat's back. hahahhas. and we sneaked a sip of someone else's E33. but the dude was pretty nice and he offered us the bottles. and we end up passing the bottles around our own group of friends. wahahhas.

also it was hafiz's first time at zouk, and i got to say to him " come, let me bring you on a tour around zouk". which was funny cause i never saw myself saying that to a guy.